Starter Posts!

[Jackie Santiago]

For all you new rpers or those who dont know how to make an rp. Please review the information here: Click Here

Once you have read what you should include in a starter rp post, create one and post it here! This is where I will critique and tell you things you should improve upon (as well as things that arent allowed.)

This is for starter posts ONLY! I'll set up a thread for response posts next

If you dont understand what I mean, just lemme know.

[Masia S.]

I am for the first time on an English role playing game, so i think i should start off here...


It was a mild spring day in the forest. At night it was raining, so all the leaves were covered in small water drops and the ground was all wet. Th forest's silence was inerrupted only by a bird's strange song.
But suddenly, a young female tiger appeared in this scene. You couldn't hear her silent paths along the river. She was walking slowly, lazily, making no sound. The young tiger was just going for a walk, she didn't want to hunt, nor to drink. She stopped; looking somewhere. Did she notice something interesting? I can't answer his question...

[Jackie Santiago]

This is a nice way to start off your post ^^ And in fact, if you hadnt said this was your first time on an English RP forum, I wouldnt have ever guessed. I saw nothing wrong with your English here. SOme suggestions I do have is perhaps describe how your character looks a little more in depth. Describe what she's looking at , feeling, and thinking. Maybe even include a little bit about her past if you cant think of a way to strength your posts. Like sometimes I may write,

"The past few months had been rough for the lion. He had been travelling for several days without so much as food, water, or anyone to talk to. He was beginning to lose hope and his had grown sluggish. His eyes were droopy from being tired and worn out. His vision was blurry as he looked around."

That right there is a little excerpt that shows a sort of 'past.' The fact that he had been travelling for a long time. Something like that adds more dimension to your post, your character, and helps increase your paragraphs. That was only an example ^^ Try adding a little bit more and then re-post for me to see it ^^

[Seawater]

lol, I should start looking at here just for your advise kie, I need it....

[Seawater]

erm...could you crit this one kie? please?

clicketh

[Jackie Santiago]

Alrighty...

I enjoyed the length and descriptions you put into the post. However, I think the events happened a little too quickly. I got confused really fast and it was only after I read the entire thing, did I realize what had happened. So I would go over your post and maybe stretch out the time frame in which everything occured. Also, this is minor but, you should just add in what time of day/weather it is so that the person who responds knows if its night time, day time, raining, etc. ^^ Hope that helps!

[Seawater]

alright *scrambles off to fix things*

[itktdf]

OK, I'm not very good, but I need practice and critic (tis how I improve )

She hung her head low, feeling the brush of her paws as she prodded on. A great orange hue was growing from the horizon, lighting up the dark Savannah. As she walked to wards the rising sun, she could feel a small, cold trickle down her face. 'Don't cry now Maddy, this has happened before. Just move on' She thought to herself. The recruiter had rejected the small lioness, and many had done so before.
She pulled her thoughts together and lifted her head to the blinding light. The yellow grass glowing with an orange radiance. The stripes along her back somewhat blended in with the long tickling grasses, but no one had seen them as a special gift to her, only as a disease. The young lioness was sure this is why she had been rejected so many times before.
All of a sudden, she found her belly in contact with the ground. Her ears twitched as a quiet rustling was heading to wards her. In the dim light it was hard to make out the figure, but in her defense she let out a small growl, trying to scare off the mysterious stalker.

((hope its good =) ))

[Jackie Santiago]

Instead of using "She" in your first sentence, replace it with her name. Also you should seperate your paragraphs a little more. (Add one more space between them.) My only other suggestion is to add more descriptions. Like...what is she looking for when she hears the russling? How did she feel about her own stripes? Did she find them a curse? Or a beauty that no one recognized? For the most part, this post is very nice ^^

[itktdf]

That's awesome, coz I can use this in my HSC english test today. Creative writing!!
So I'll remember that

[Argo]

Mind readin' over this and telling me if I need to work on anything, Kie?

Tempus Fugit.
Time Flies.
What a lie…

Time seemed to have slowed as Jasper stared somewhat consciously towards the sluggishly ascending sun as it journeyed across the sky brushed with hues of orange, pink, and red. He was sprawled in an aged and gnarled tree which could barely support his weight. Half way between the sleeping and waking world, he stared with heavy eye lids out across the savannah, dried yellow grass. Beautiful, and at the same time, ugly and dying. Both good and evil captured in its boundaries. Evil somehow, in a way that Jasper couldn’t figure out at an hour so early.

His jaws open, tongue lolling, and he emitted something in between a yawn and a growl. With that, in a less than graceful leap, he was on the ground. An early morning snack was required if he was to stay awake any longer, so he pushed forward into the savannah. It might have been dangerous, as any number of Aiyalis residents could have left the pride temporarily to venture to this location. He’d have to chance it… it could be a good thing though. Perhaps he could find a small male who could easily be scared into leaving his meal or a female he could woo into snatching him something to eat.

First though, he’d need to find someone, as the only thing he could smell were a few hyenas roaming about the grasslands, looking to pick off some small animals or steal a kill from a lion. This wasn’t going to be fun. Mechanically, he trudged onward, jade eyes moving lifelessly to and fro, searching for potential victims.

Thanks!

[Jackie Santiago]

Honestly, I thought it was a perfect intro thread.

[Argo]

Oh. Uh, thanks then, Kie!

[itktdf]

Okay, I've taken your advice and written a new starter post (this one is actually posted though XD)
psychosiscomic.proboards104.com/index.cgi?board=aiyalis&action=display&thread=1193035362
It was way too big to copy and paste.

[Jackie Santiago]

Tis perfect =D